Comments(3)

Why Actually Have A Life Of Your Own When It’s So Much Easier To Watch Other People Pretend To Have A Life For You?

That’s the beauty of television ladies and gentlemen. With television you don’t actually have to do anything. And isn’t that what we all really want anyway?

It is the birthright of every right-thinking American and citizen of the Western World to watch TV until their eyes fall out. (Or their brain fall out, whichever comes first.) In the tradition of rampant consumerism and more is never enough, we now give you the choice of hundreds of TV channels from which to choose…

Gentlemen, were you a great athlete in high school? All the girls loved you didn’t they? You were so popular back then, but time rolls on and now you’re just a schmuck in a cubicle getting yelled at by your boss. But we have a solution for you that will make you feel whole again.  You can watch 400 channels of other people playing sports and you can re-live your glory days. Sure you could actually go outside and do something yourself, but that would entail surgically detaching your buttocks from your naugahyde recliner. And who has time for that these days? Budweiser and Cheetos are your lovers now, not Becky and Cindy. But rest assured, they’re probably plopped down in front of the ole’ boob tube too, desperately wishing they could still make Biff the quarterback’s head spin.

Sure ladies, we know your life didn’t turn out the way you expected.The Prince never came and swept you off your feet and took you to live in his castle. Somehow you ended up with a "bun in the oven" faster than you expected, and your "Prince" ended up being a overweight workaholic who’s never home and isn’t quite as interested in you as he once was. But here’s a great solution for you—a way to keep your fantasy alive. Why not watch "The Bachelor" and imagine that it’s you? Sure you could get a man like that if you really wanted to, but you’d have to lose about 40 pounds, and quit your bitching about how badly life sucks. No ma’am. No need for that drastic step. Easier to live your desires vicariously through equally shallow women, who are vacuous and desperate enough for a man that they’ve actually outsourced it to a TV program. What could be easier? You get your prince (at least for 1 hour a week) and you don’t have to lift a finger (except on the remote.)

Don’t worry Kids, We’ve not forgotten you. Here’s a riddle for ya. Ever heard of "outside." No? Here’s a clue…It’s that magical place where all that crazy stuff in "World of Warcraft" and "Grand Theft Auto" seem to take place in. But ya know what? Those places with trees and people and cars actually do exist. Yes we realize that’s a crazy notion, but believe it or not kids, there was a time when children actually went outside of their house and played games, talked to their friends, rode bicycles, and ran around like wild things until it was dark. And believe it or not, kids actually used to complain to their parents when they had to come inside! It was that much fun outside back in the olden days. But that was back when parents actually raised their children themselves, not farmed out their care to an electronic box. Hard to believe isn’t it kiddies? Now go back to your Wii and play till your little thumbs get arthritis, and your bellies are full of Coke.

So there you have it folks. The blueprint for virtual happiness, heart disease, alzheimers, and diabetes. It’s your birthright as a citizen of a rich nation. Who needs to actually do something when you can watch someone else do it for you?

This public service message brought to you by:

The National Association of Broadcasters
Anheuser-Busch
Cheetos
Coca-Cola
The International Federation of Pharmaceutical Manufacturers
And Your Friendly Neighborhood La-Z-Boy Showcase Shop

3 Responses to “TV Can Give You The Life You’ve Always Wanted. We Promise.”

1. fairlane, on June 28th, 2007 at 4:35 pm, said:
   

   You reminded me to get new batteries for my tv remote. Thanks man. Last time I ran out I had to call the suicide hotline to help me get through it.

2. fairlane, on June 28th, 2007 at 7:10 pm, said:
   

   I got surveyed a couple of days ago by ABC about television of course. People don’t believe you when you tell them, “I rarely watch television.”

   “Sure sir, I understand. So do you think the Networks dedicated too much time covering Paris Hilton?”

   “Uh, did you hear me? I didn’t even know the WTC’s were attacked until the following day. I rarely watch television.”

   Maybe it’s the watering down of language. In today’s world, “rarely” means “Fairly often, but not all the time.”

3. Chad, on June 28th, 2007 at 9:39 pm, said:
   

   Great post! I couldn’t agree more. All this stuff just keeps us from thinking about and acting on what really matters. It’s strange; we live our lives in a virtual world. We care more about the photons dancing on our retinas than we do about what’s real.
   Thanks for keeping it real.

Comment on this post below

You can leave a response, or