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As if to punctuate yesterday’s post about no more religious nuts in politics, I received further proof that religious nuts are not connected to reality.

I got this chain email entitled "god’s pharmacy". It’s so laughably simple-minded and unintelligent that you’d almost think it was made to be funny, not to PROVE how smart god is.

Here it is in all its glory (no pun intended).
(My smart-ass comments in red)

A friend sent this to me. It’s been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish… all before making a human. He made and provided what we’d need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw.  We’re such slow learners…

God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!
God’s Pharmacy! Amazing!

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye… and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

And an unsliced carrot it looks like a horse dick, so what?  Pretty much anything round "looks" like the human eye if you’re going to use that broad of a brush. No, "carrots" don’t enhance blood flow to the eyes; that would be vitamin A primarily to which you’re trying to refer. And as far as I know vitamin A’s benefits don’t come from enhanced blood flow.

And by the way…vitamin A is found in many other foods in greater concentrations than in carrots—the top one being cod liver oil. I don’t know…does a cod liver look like the human eye?

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

OK first, it’s "lycopene" not "lycopine". And ummm, actually tomatoes contain between 2-20 chambers depending on the variety. They’re green when they’re first "born" by the way. Just like the human heart right? (Or maybe that was the Grinch?) They might also be yellow, orange, pink, and dark purple to black. [I’ll leave others to make the black hearted jokes.]

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

That’s the shape of heart? Uh, I guess so if you want to stretch your imagination…and selectively prune a bunch of grapes. Looks like a blood cell? Here we go again with that magical-god-proving-circular-shape? Good for your heart? Well Lordy-Be! Them there are anti-oxidants, which in addition to being found in other foods in much greater concentrations, are primarily found in grape SEEDS. And since that’s a picture of THOMPSON SEEDLESS GRAPES, they don’t have any freakin’ seeds anyway.
Here’s another bunch of grapes I found.  Who’s heart is that shaped like Farmer Brown?

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Actually I always thought a walnut kind of looks like the wrinkly skin on your testicles when it’s cold. Maybe that’s just me.

Looks like a little brain? Well a little anthropomorphic projection never hurt anyone.

And by the way Freud, they’re not "neuron-transmitters" they’re "neurotransmitters"…and it’s the omega 3 fatty acids found in walnuts that are good for the brain. In fact flax seeds have 3x the amount of omega 3s found in walnuts. I submit that the size and shape of a flax seed more closely resembles the brain of whoever wrote this idiotic email. –>

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

"…and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys. " — No Shit Sherlock! That’s because they were NAMED AFTER HUMAN KIDNEYs not the other way around.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don’t have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

"Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones." — So does a fucking stick Hippocrates! Go eat one of those.

Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female – they look just like these organs. Today’s research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this?  It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

"Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female – they look just like these organs." Hey if your pussy’s green like an avocado or purple like an eggplant you need to get that looked at.

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Wow they’re full of seeds. Simply amazing! They must be the only fruit in the world to be full of seeds. And they hang in twos? Damn, you got me there buckwheat! You know what’s really sperm-and-nut-like about figs…it’s that they’re full of fig wasp larva…yum…you’re eating wasp jizz. Gee thanks god.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Ohh this stuff is starting to make my head hurt…

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Who has that many ovaries? With leaves too?

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

 They look "just like" the mammary glands? What? Orange, yellow, and bumpy on the outside? Not like any mammary glands I’ve ever seen.

No, actually the mammary glands don’t look anything like that. The BREASTS might look a little like them though. Actually, I always preferred "mammary glands" that were cantaloupe and watermelon sized. Plus when those lemon titties squirt in your eye it burns like the dickens.

Onions look like the body’s cells. Today’s research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

Hey wait a minute…I thought you said grapes looked like a blood cell? What’s going on here god?

" They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes." So does a kick in the nuts, and since onions look like nuts, ipso facto  god planned it that way.

You know what else washes the epithelial layers of the eyes? Mustard gas! That is until you puke blood and cough up your lungs. I’d say you got a little carried away with the symbolism there god!

 

SUBJECT: Psalm 46:10
‘Be Still and Know that I AM GOD’
Please don’t break this even if you only send it to one person. Look at the date when this was started. Thanks.

So there you go you doubting Thomas…proof of god’s divine plan right there in the Safeway produce aisle. But I’m sure Sarah Palin already knew that.

One Response to “God’s Pharmacy – A Lesson In Simple-Minded Bullshit Thinking”

1. richard williams, on October 7th, 2009 at 10:09 am, said:
   

   the curious thing to me is how to track down this kind of stuff.
   what hints to origin(salt-fresh water), what misspelled words(lycopene, neurotransmitters) can lead to. the content is garbage, but the transmission and why people find it persuasive are interesting topics for study.

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